Blue April. . .
April 3, 2013 at 9:20pm
At the very time when the world is awakening into April, and I should be rejoicing. . . .my heart feels wintery and cold. That dark week of April 5,1999 looms, in spite of the passage of time The events of that week have receded into the corners of my memory, but when April comes...beautiful April, when life begins anew... my joy is clouded and sad. I watched my love fade away. I held his hand, and kissed him for the last time. .. .the very last time, and I still can't believe he is gone. I have survived the long process of grief, and come away scarred but whole, It is true, the worst of the images do fade and there comes a fragile acceptance. With the help of the children who remember the good times, we drag the memories out into the light. We learn to look back and remember how to laugh again. We, in our house, have many pictures of his face, of him when he was robust and crackling with life. We talk of him, we talk to him. He dances with me to my music.
This year I spent the weeks preceding Easter recovering from a pulmonary embolism, and there were many trips to doctors, and days when I very much felt my 90 years.
I wanted to celebrate the season so I poured over my music CD's to find appropriate music . All of my life I have participated in the choirs of the churches I have attended, and the highlights of my school years were the hours I spent singing in chorus', glee clubs and choirs.
My earliest childhood memories include singing the old hymns at the old country Baptist church my family attended. The doctrines were rigid, but the music soared. I find that I still remember all the verses to those beautiful old songs, and oddly the words were the sermons that helped to form my beliefs. My family was a singing family. We harmonized in the car, and my sister and I sung duets over the dishpan.
I have in my collection The Vocal Majority - a fabulous Men's Barbershop Chorus. Among their repertoire is a beautiful rendition of THE HOLY CITY, one of my favorites, along with BENEATH THE CROSS OF JESUS, and IT IS WELL WITH MY SOUL, Listening to the rich harmonies of this chorus touches the places where my deepest feelings lie- seemingly trapped there. Music releases all that pent up emotion. I am always amazed at how that happens! I found a varied collection of hymns sung by high end choirs, country singers, and my old favorites, John Denver and Neil Diamond.
And so I celebrated Easter, and wept again for my lost love. I recalled how it felt to sing again with great choirs and choruses MUSIC ! It helps me to grieve, and it restores the joy.
Betty L. Owen, Journals 2013
Judi Possnack likes this.
Betty L. Owen This is a beautiful old church in downtown Reno, along the Riverwalk. April 3, 2013 at 9:29pm · Like
Jill Sanderson Millsap Beautiful words, Aunt Betty. Thank you for sharing. Love you! April 4, 2013 at 6:59am · Like · 1
Betty L. Owen If you want to read my collection of notes in deathless prose, Facebook has them all listed. Just click! May 13, 2013 at 7:22pm · Like
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